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Reality is a funny mistress to deal with. Self-reflection is a bitch.

I always thought I was kind, caring, compassionate.

Well.. sometimes, I’m not. And sometimes, I’m not kind OR caring OR compassionate or any combination of those lovely characteristics to the people I love most. In fact, sometimes I get frustrated at their problems. Because clearly, mine are so much important.

My dad sick. WHY CAN’T YOU PICK ME UP?

My mom tired. WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS FAVOUR FOR ME?

My boyfriend complaining about life problems. WHY DON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME?

And I’m usually self-aware about these awful reactions. I know I’m doing this. Sometimes, I think like a dickhole. And that needs to stop. So I’m going to willfully stop it, because I get no pleasure from their egotistic focus on me. I do get pleasure when I focus on their problems and I feel as though I’ve actually helped them by hearing them out.

So here’s my solution: I will be less a dickhole, and more a writer. More a person that I see myself being.

Isolating yourself in Me-World will never be comforting, even if others’ problems do seem less important. It is always better to listen. It is always better to understand someone’s situation than to rave about the unfairness of a world not revolving around one’s self. If I do not strengthen my legs, or my core, then I will crumble. It’s the first rule of architecture; it’s the first rule of yoga; it’s the first rule of love, and empathy.

-A

Good morning. Anybody else’s head hurts? No, just me then.

I know this looks quite tame in comparison to things that would otherwise make your head pound and your stomach dis-involve itself with you. But this was Saturday night. This was when the love of my life came to my door looking like the fantastic gentleman that he is, told me how beautiful I looked, and drove me downtown to a restaurant he remembered me mentioning a year ago.

The place in the photograph above isn’t it – that’s Rose Patisserie on Yonge. He took me to the Pomegranate. It was phenomenal since, as those of you who know me well, know that I’ve become enamoured with Persian cuisine as much as I have with my boyfriend over the past 3 years. My aloo gheysi was sweet and tart and delicious, and his fesenjoon was great (although his aunt makes it better). Then, we went out for dessert and I (of course) stole his delicious black tea while simultaneously forcing my majoon on the poor boy. It was too sweet though – mind, remember this.

(In fact, the only reason I’m boring you with our delectable details is due to my shitty memory, so forgive me please.)

Sunday (Bloody Sunday) is where things got messy.

Of course, it was Easter, which all in all to my family means the end of Lent. Nobody partook in lent except for my father, but we were all somehow fasting despite that.

Anyway, my parents had invited all of their friends to celebrate meat. And Jesus’ awakening or re-alivening or something. But mostly meat, as far as I (and our dinner table) was concerned. I also invited along some of my friends at random. I thought there wouldn’t be enough food to go around if I invited more, but oh, how wrong I was. I probably could have invited Canada’s army for dinner and still have had leftovers. (I don’t know whether this says more about the size of Canada’s army or our unending love of food).

The evening started out nice and humble – everyone came just late enough for my mom to finish primping (although I had my hands in a bucket’o'pork). Hello’s, how are you’s, etcetera. We poured the wine, the whiskey, the vodka. Everyone was proper nice to each other (despite the conundrum of both my friends and my parents friends and my grandfather being there at the same time), which, to be honest, I was kind of expecting. Everyone’s old enough to handle themselves by now.

Except me, obviously. I’m only 21.

But I’m a nice, mature 21. Kind of-ish. Most of the time, anyway. Ok, rarely – but I am when it counts!

The point is here that in my drunken sleep of this night past, I’ve stumbled upon a fantastic idea to document my 21st year. A re-learning process of sorts. Because I’m smart, but I’m still dumb quite often – enough to be 21 legitimately, I think.

What I’ve decided is this: over the course of the upcoming year, I’m going to write 21 little tales about the most important things that I already know, but hope to reaffirm, in the desire that this time they’ll stay learned.

I think tomorrow is a great as time as any to start with the lesson I learned last night:

You can’t outrun the lessons you’ve learned. (Alternate title: Drinking strengths and weaknesses are DNA’s fault, not yours.)

Always yours, A

PS. Paya, please don’t ever leave me to fend for myself.

PPS. Thank you everyone for last night, again – I MUST have done something right in a past life.

This is going to be a really short post because I’ve been pseudo-cleaning for the past two hours and now I realize that it’s time to go to work, but I still want to write something out, because I do stuff to make my life harder and more time-compressed sometimes.  That’s just the way I like it.

Anyway, yesterday, “good friday” was fan-diddly-tastic.  Queen St East (Beaches), outdoor patios, cigars, ice cream, beer, shisha… what  a day of youthful indulgence.  It cost me mad tips but totally worth it.  Seriously – Rose + Mint shisha?  Come to mama, baby, come to mama.

The shisha parlour was called “Markaz“, it was on Richmond St right off of University if anyone is interested.  Right beside Yuk Yuks… and it was fantastic.  The food there looks good too, but I only had some shisha and some Moroccan Mint tea there because we already ate elsewhere earlier in the day.  Anyway, the atmosphere is funkaliciously Arabic/Middle Eastern yet modern and I basically want to live in a house that looks EXACTLY like that.

What else… the beach was too cold by the time we actually got there – thanks a lot Canada! But it could have just been my fault for daring to wear shorts on a day that was forecast to be 25 degrees +…. You know how touchy Canada gets when I get excited for warm weather.  It’s all bitter… oy vey.

So yes, I don’t expect tonight to be incredibly long (ie shorter than 5 hours for sure) because well, tomorrow is EASTER and I love easter and as it happens so does the rest of Canada, and they prefer to spend that time at home instead of out cavorting at bars with strangers.  Whoodathunkit?  Yeah, I know.

I’m bringing my journal and a book (they’re always with me, you know.. literaphile and all..), so I don’t get too bored.  I also need to start eating healthier food again there… for some reason I get the feeling that double fried chicken wings + fries + nachos aren’t the healthiest of diets during work hours even.

Anyway, time to fly away.

Love you all – happy Easter tomorrow! I’m excited for all the food – what about you?  I’ll try to take artsy pictures and post them up tomorrow night.

-Arina

PS.  The people we went with – my old friend Aamir and his friends from chef school Noelle and Jason – were so funny! Well worth it. Well well – I love you guys so much!

PPS. So, tonight was actually kinda busy.  Whaaaat?  No comprendo. Anyway, I love the people that frequent my bar – I love em almost as much as I love Paul, my barman.  But I also can’t get this song by homegrown T-dot homeboys outta my freaking mind:  Your Man by Down with Webster.  They got all signed and shit and their music is like… wicked not genre-specific = aka= nutso fun. I actually saw them in concert sometime last summer and they sure know how to pump a fuckin’ crowd up, seriously.

Sure there’s things to update you on, like job progression (or staleness?), or essays (rewritten and edited), or exams (totally unprepared for), but I don’t really want to get into all that.

Whenever things start getting focused on school outside of me, I end up focused on everything inside my mind.

For example, all of my thoughts on my friends, that I generally keep deep deep down in a pit of regression behind my liver (not to be confused with ORGAN of REGRET).

What? See, it’s just that I’ve recently had an incredible falling out with one of my best friends.  And I really don’t know what to think.  And I don’t know if she reads this, and if she does, whether she’d be upset that I’m writing about it, or not, and if she doesn’t, well, it doesn’t hurt her if she doesn’t.  And anyway, she thinks I’m selfish and self-centered, so of course I would just be following in my own prints by writing about more of my problems here, right?

I just wonder about certain friendships you’ve all had that have broken apart for one reason or another. I know we’re in different universities, and therefore different cities, but does that suffice?  Did we become different people? Were we really different people the entire time and then the “keeping up” just pissed us off to real-ness?  She says she was tired of the “pleasantries” necessary to keep up with each other when “I didn’t care anyway”…

I think it’s silly saying I didn’t/don’t care.

But that’s just half an opinion of the situation.

But really? I care about freaking stray cats enough to take em home……. I’m just not the sort of person to not care about people that I respect.

But whatever.  You guys have any stories or words of advice?  I just want to hear words from someone’s mouth other than my own.

Ah well, it was a good Sunday anyway, just thoughts twisting in my head.

Arina

So, I don’t know if you don’t know about Beirut (capital of Lebanon? city in France? name of band?) but you better know, if you know what I know.

My Night With a Prostitute in Marseilles (Free Here) is another one of the many reasons that I love. Beirut. Really? Marseilles? That’s just……

Classy.

Also, a few days ago when I was home (I think it was Monday, because I really haven’t been home all that much lately), I was sitting watching tv shows in my living room, bundled up in a blanket, and I was sitting comfortably, arms resting crossed across my body, my hand gently cupping my right breast in the most natural of positions….. wait.  See, that would be normal if my uncle hadn’t walked in on me watching a tv show and holding my right boob in the middle of the afternoon, but no, now it has to get all weird, with the deer eyes (me) and the ignoring of what he OBVIOUSLY noticed (him) and the inconspicuous (not) jerk away of my hand as though it suddenly realized it wasn’t supposed to be attached to me.   Totes natural.  I played it cool. I swear.

My life doesn’t even know what the word awkward means, really.

Also, Corinne Bailey Rae’s new album The Sea is bomb-diggity.  My favourite is Paper Dolls for now, with Blackest Lily (her voice is like illegally soothing) coming in second, but I haven’t given it a good enough listen yet.  I’m not sure where I got it but I’m sure it was illegal.  *cough* I mean, I uhh, got it from a friend. The smug femme fatale meets soul singer = I’d do her. (See, I’m totally making “classy” a trend here.)

Tomorrow is brunch with the femmes…. and then sadly I’m off to work early to commemorate a great bar patron that passed away this past Sunday.  I’m working the wake. Is that weird? I kind of thought so too.  We’ll see how it goes.

Sunday is going to be ace, but we’ll get to that when we get to it.

Enjoy the silence, (thanks Depeche!)(And Rumi?)

-Arina